Text & Subtext 18: Witchtrap

A Movie Starring an 80s' Cliché Smart Ass Cop; and also, Linnea Quigley

There are some 80s horror movies which are compulsively watchable, despite their inherent cheesiness. This, I think, is what makes 80s horror so special. Keep in mind, this is a completely uninformed, armchair opinion - but I feel like there’s something intangibly better about cheaply made straight-to-video horror movies from the 80s and 90s. Something which makes them superior to today’s cheap indie horror movies.

Keep in mind, I’m not talking about shot-on-VHS horror. I’ve tried a few of those, only to tap out after five minutes. I’m talking about 80s horror which is just one step above shot-on-VHS horror, with just enough of a budget to afford professional filming and editing equipment, and actors who are, at the very minimum, competent at memorizing their lines.

I can’t tell you why I enjoy these movies so much. I suspect it’s some retrograde nostalgia. I didn’t really start watching VHS movies until I got out on my own (as I grew up in a moderately strict Baptist home), and even then, I mostly focused on science fiction. By the time I turned my full focus to horror, the time of the 80s horror VHS boom was long in my rearview.

So today, with streaming services make SO much from the past available, maybe I’m tapping into the teenage-horror-geek-that-never-was. Regardless, it seems like digging through 80s horror looking for gold puts me in touch with an experience I missed out on. Which brings me to this Monday’s review - Witchtrap, which I think is the quintessence of cheap 80s horror.

A mansion haunted by a devil-worshipping warlock who wants to be immortal. A greedy real estate mogul who thought he could cash in on its haunted history for noteriety’s sake. A paranormal investigation team consisting of an expert in parapsychology who doesn’t believe in “evil,” her husband a “mental medium,” a physical medium who believes in both God and the devil, and wise-ass private security agent played wonderfully by James W. Quinn - and by wonderfully, I mean in a really enthusiastic and competent community theater sort of way (left).

It also has Linnea Quigley, as the paranormal team’s tech person. Predictably, she survives until her nude shower scene before meeting her untimely end.

This movie is the quintessence of 80s horror. All the tropes. Sarcastic witty-one liners delivered adequately, if not exactly skillfully. Multiple cultural references to Ghostbusters, Bill Murry, and plenty of “your mother” jokes between “hardened and jaded” private detectives. You know where the movie is likely to go (though, the 80s IS famous for that incomprehensible stinger twist at the end), but that doesn’t really matter. It’s like a slice of decent frozen pizza, when you don’t feel like going out for the primo stuff.

BUT.

There’s still subtext here, of course. Our jaded detective Tony Vincente (played by Quinn) gives a pretty well-delivered speech about how he doesn’t believe in supernatural evil, because of all the horrible things he’s seen as a cop. Far as he’s concerned, there is no Devil, because the devil is us. And of course, he has to make a leap of faith at the end, to try and win the day.

This is a surprisingly fun flick. Check it out on Tubi today.